Rhyll Anne Croshaw, with the SA Lifeline foundation, shares her insights about the surrender process.
Why do we need the surrender process? Rhyll says that the rewards of surrendering to God are peace. For those of us who struggle with betrayal trauma, peace is like water to our souls.
Rhyll shares her 3 step surrender process and adds some extra details that I find particularly helpful. The basics to the 3 steps of surrender are:
1- Knees.
2- Phone.
3- Box.
Surrendering to God is a key component of 12 step recovery work. Rhyll’s insights are helpful for newcomers and those more experienced in 12 step recovery work.
NOTES:
To attend a gender specific SA Lifeline 12 step meeting for betrayal trauma and/ or sex addiction, please visit https://salifeline.org/ .
Ashlynn Mitchell discusses how to be the buffalo on this week’s episode. Because Ashlynn has been open with her recent experiences of heartache and thriving, I wanted to learn more. I am grateful that Ashlynn generously shares her experiences regarding healing from her recent divorce. We discuss how to be the buffalo…
Physically
Emotionally
& Spiritually
I’ve implemented some things from Ashlynn’s interview that have helped in my own healing. I am hopeful that they will help in yours as well.
Ashlynn is a podcast host for This Is Ashlynn, The Betrayed the Addicted and the Expert, is a co-creator of the program Beyond Enough, runs betrayal trauma groups and is a health and fitness coach.
Addiction & mental illness often go hand in hand. Sometimes it’s hard to see that there is an underlying issue. This last year, my eyes have been forced wide open and I am sharing more of our story here.
Very special thanks goes to my husband who decided to let me be more open about our story. This leaves him vulnerable, as he struggles with both sex addiction and mental illness. Thankfully, because we are now aware of the connection, our resources have expanded and we are finding healing.
By sharing our story, we hope that others can know that they aren’t alone, gain awareness and perhaps get much needed help.
Do you sometimes struggle with obsessive worrying about the future? I sure do and it’s normal to struggle when facing betrayal trauma. Our brains are looking for something to land on, but when the future is unsure, future tripping is often where our brains turn.
A year ago I knew that I needed more insight into staying present, so I decided to interview Pam Blizzard. What Pam graciously shared with me was critical to my own healing journey.
I’m excited to (finally!) make this interview public!!! If you struggle with future tripping, like I do, then this interview may be key for experiencing some relief in the midst of intensity.
To find out more about betrayal trauma coach Pam Blizzard and the recovery services that she offers, please visit https://recoveredpeace.com/ . Facebook group: Recovering Spouses of Sex Addicts.
Episode 18: What Is Sex Addiction + Horcrux Theory
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Sex Addiction Edition of the Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast
What is sex addiction and might you or a loved one be struggling with sex addiction?
In this sex addiction podcast episode, we will take a whole body approach. Let’s discuss how sex addiction affects people physically, emotionally and spiritually. I’ll even share my horcrux addiction theory.
We’ll discuss:
What is sex addiction?
Why is it important to be informed about sex addiction?
Is sex addiction legit????
Learn how sex addiction affects the user physically.
How can sex addiction affect the user emotionally?
Learn how sex addiction affects the user spiritually.
Sex Addiction Horcrux Theory
Key Quotes from this week’s episode:
Fight the New Drug says that, “ Porn happens to be fantastic at forming new, long-lasting pathways in the brain. In fact, porn is such a ferocious competitor that hardly any other activity can compete with it, including actual sex with a real partner. That’s right, porn can actually overpower the brain’s natural ability to have real sex! Why? As Dr. Norman Doidge, a researcher at Columbia University, explains, porn creates the perfect conditions and triggers the release of the right chemicals to make lasting changes in the brain…. Repeated consumption of porn causes the brain to literally rewire itself. It triggers the brain to pump out chemicals and form new nerve pathways, leading to profound and lasting changes in the brain….”
Neurosurgeon Donald Hilton challenges the idea that drugs are only things that you can purchase: “Why is it that some consider adrenaline and dopamine to be drugs if drug companies produce them, yet they will not acknowledge these same chemicals to be drugs if pornography stimulates the brain to produce them?”
From Fight the New Drug, “The rise in porn-induced erectile dysfunction is something to be alarmed about. Frequently watching porn can lead to erections which can increasingly ONLY be induced by hardcore pornography. That’s not healthy.”
The following is from a Brannon Patrick Instagram post, “Addiction is a deathless death, it numbs the pain and the joy.”
The following is a quote from Clay Olsen, who is the Co-Founder & President of Fight the New Drug. Clay says, “Having a healthy perspective of yourself, and a healthy amount of self-esteem and confidence is very important in maintaining a healthy lifestyle overall. The fantasy of porn tends to take away from that and give consumers the idea that they’re not good enough exactly as you are. We fight against that, and we fight to say that you are worth loving, and you are good enough.”
From the book Love You, Hate the Porn by Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer they say, Pornography’s “ultimate price: When he’s going to it, he’s not going to her.” The same can be said of women and can be reworded, “when she’s going to it, she’s not going to him.”
Working Through Strong Emotions is something that everyone has to deal with at times. For those of us who deal with betrayal trauma due to the sex addiction of a loved one we often times have an added struggle.
Emotions! When betrayal trauma hits, emotions can be all over the place.
“traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past us alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hid from their selves.” Besel Van Der Kolk
As we can see with soldiers, how we deal with emotions can easily and understandably swing too far one way or the other. It’s like a pendulum. We can go too far one way and too far another. The hope is that we can learn to be more centered.
Emotions aren’t bad or good, they just are.
From the website Thought Catalog, this quote is by Anna Gragert “When I started going to therapy, it was pointed out to me that I label my emotions as either “positive” or “negative.” In response to positive emotions, I push myself to stay on the train of happiness. As for negative emotions, I tend to push them away and feel as if I caused my own demise. Obviously, this is not healthy, but I feel that a lot of us tend to do this. We do not want to deal with painful emotions, which is why we throw ourselves into our work or paste a fake smile upon our faces.” (Thought Catalog post written by Anna Gragert)
Toxic Positivity
Have you ever had someone tell you, when you are in the middle of severe emotional distress, things in an effort to help that go something like this,
“You can choose happiness right now!”
“It’s alright, you just need to keep going.”
“You need to focus on positive things.”
“Just be positive.”
“You’re so lucky that _________ didn’t happen to you.”
And more. Might I suggest boundaries with those who have yet learned to “mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort.” That’s from Mosiah 18: 8- 10. (Take what you like and leave the rest.)
In case it’s validating for anyone, I’ll link a Hope Works Video: titled Mourn With Those That Mourn to see healthy ways of addressing someone going through hard things.
Another valuable resource might be Episode 4 of the Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast titled: Why Your Story Matters and How To Safely Share it.
Likewise though, we can also apply toxic positivity to ourselves. We might expect that we should be to a certain point in our healing, or we might think that we should not feel something in particular. It’s easy to undervalue the impact of our experience and/ or what we think the effects of betrayal trauma should be.
Can I suggest that we take out the “I should’s” and seek for acceptance of what is. This is brave to face.
Honoring Emotions
Emotions need to be honored. In this episode I discuss a personal story of how I had no tears after our formal disclosure and how honoring anger was key to my healing. (Listen for the full story.)
My 5 Basics For Handling STRONG Emotions are:
In regards to honoring emotions vs. indulging in emotions: Dr. Jonice Webb quote “Honoring an emotion involves sitting with it, accepting it and trying to understand it. For some emotions, going through the process of honoring it is enough to make it tolerable.”
Dr. Webb then goes on to talk about some people being stuck at this point and talks about moving towards action.
To hear more details, please listen to the entire episode. Let’s heal together. XO Jeni
The POWER of Surrendering outcomes when your loved one has a sex addiction.
Feeling weighed down? Do thoughts of your loved one’s addiction consume your thoughts? I relate. Let’s explore how to function from a place of peace in this week’s episode: The POWER of SURRENDERING.
NOTE: Next week I will be doing a Question and Answer episode. I welcome recovery and/ or personal questions regarding my own recovery by contacting me on Instagram, Facebook, or from the contact tab on the betrayaltraumasos.com website. I certainly don’t have all of the answers but can offer what I have learned as well as consult with others who are farther ahead in recovery. I do pledge confidentiality and anonymity.
I have definitely tried to control my husband’s addiction. For the first 17.5 years of our marriage, I thought I was being a great wife by almost never withholding sex, and oftentimes offering it more often. Imagine my shock as we sat in a formal disclosure with our therapist to learn that not only had I not controlled his addiction with sex, but I also made it worse. With eyes wide open that I was truly powerless, I was able to make better choices and set better boundaries. Episode 5 titled: You Can’t Fix Sex Addiction With Sex goes into more detail about that issue if you’d like to check that out.
The WHY
WHY do we try to control? That question carries with it heart-wrenching answers.
The why is important and too often we focus on the resulting behaviors without looking deeper. When we don’t look at the why, it is easy to start living in a breeding ground for shame. The why helps us to stay curious and to be gentle with ourselves as we strive to change our shape.
Motives for control might include financial repercussions, a desire for connection, the desire to not suffer heartbreaking consequences, to rescue our loved ones and more.
I truly thought that I was controlling the outcome of my husband’s addiction, but in all reality, it was not true. I had zero power and in the process of trying to control, I became miserable.
SURRENDER
Here’s a question for each of us to consider: What would life look like if we could let go of control and really live life again? What hobbies might we take up, what friendships might we cultivate, and what would our homes look like? It’s lovely to dream sometimes. It is possible to live the dream and to find power in surrendering.
From the book Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins, he says this, quote “the more you pull on the rope to hitch yourself up to where you want to be, the more frazzled it becomes. Possibly, you might be wondering, “Isn’t there an easier, better way?” Are you willing to let go of the rope?”
What’s the solution then? How can we live life more fully? What can we do to no longer live in fear? What can we do to let go of our frayed and frazzled ropes?
One tool that can be helpful in recovery is that of surrender.
Letting go of the rope looks different for everyone.
For me, surrender is more of a process and is a continual effort. I’m learning that when I can identify the roots of fear, I can identify what to work on surrendering the outcome.
The Process of Surrender
Doesn’t the thought of living in peace sound lovely? *sigh* I agree. To live in peace is a strong desire of mine, but how do we do that? How do we achieve that level of serenity? How do people actually surrender?
Oftentimes it’s easy to get lost in the big picture of our situations.
In this episode, we’ll discuss the song “The Next Right Thing,” from Frozen 2 as it relates focusing on the next step instead of the overwhelming big picture.
Along these lines, is the concept of Daily Bread.
When we choose to rely day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and sometimes even breath by breath on God, we surrender control to Him. Join me in discussing different ways that people surrender.
The Ultimate Surrender
For those who believe in Christian doctrine as I do, I cannot leave this subject without discussing the ultimate act of surrender and that to me is Jesus Christ. Again, take what you like and leave the rest. Jesus said, “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.” On a much smaller scale, I certainly relate with this feeling.
In my own small way, I too have not wanted to drink gall. Who wants to experience broken covenants that accompany broken hearts? Who wants to experience physiological changes in their brains that hijack their nervous systems and create unwanted responses? If we could avoid the gall presented to us, or pray that reality away, or heal instantly, certainly we would. After all, who wants to know the pain of betrayal or the subsequent trauma? The times when I have said, “Thy will be done,” and meant it, have been defining moments in my relationship with God.
Closing
Surrender for me has looked like walking out the door, when I was fairly certain that my husband would act out in his addiction and I would be subject to the consequences It has looked like not using sex to manipulate my husband’s mood or to gain a false sense of connection. At times when I don’t allow others to treat me like a welcome mat, I surrender the fear of becoming unneeded or unwanted. When I practice self care, I surrender that I have needs, and so on. Surrender for me is striving to be today as I become grateful for my reliance on daily bread instead of miraculous solutions. It is accepting with ample compassion that I am not and cannot be perfect at this time.
Episode 12: Grace To Heal From A Loved One's Sex Addiction
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Grace is my favorite tool for healing from… anything but especially betrayal trauma. The key element in my recovery from betrayal trauma that stems from my husband’s sex addiction has certainly been grace and I’m happy to discuss that in this betrayal trauma podcast episode.
Women’s Stories of GRACE In Healing From Betrayal Trauma
I am honored to welcome 9 women who share their personal experiences with grace as they heal from betrayal trauma. Their experiences have strengthened me and I look forward to sharing their beautiful stories of Grace in this episode
Religions That Teach About Grace
Grace, is a fundamental concept of Christianity, however, the more I looked into the concept of grace, the more I realized that it is found in many religions and not just Christianity. For instance, did you know that the Hebrew word that is similar to grace is chen? I found that grace was also found in Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism and more.
Something in meseems to melt when I hear or think about grace. When reading the scriptures, and in particular, the New Testament, I highlight the word grace anytime I see it. My New Testament is littered with that beautiful word and I have wondered how it applies to me. Lately, I have contemplated how it applies to healing from betrayal trauma. As I’ve actively looked for the role of grace in my recovery from betrayal trauma, I have seen it everywhere. How stunning and wonderful to realize that grace was at the center of every tool and every healing principle.
Grace For the Brokenhearted
Grace certainly has the ability to cleanse from sin, but today, I am addressing the heartbroken. I know because I walk among you as one of your own. Today, in regards to grace I will primarily focus on the enabling power of grace as it has healing properties.
I love this definition of grace from Sheri Dew’s book Amazed by Grace as she says, quote “What is Grace? Grace is divine, enabling power.
Author and Pastor Max Lucado has a video about Grace and a book as well wherein he tells a story about a man named Li Fuyan. Mr. Fuyan had suffered from terrible headaches for 4 years. Nothing had gotten rid of his headaches. Nothing. Finally, the doctors took an x-ray and discovered that a rusty four inch knife blade was in his skull. Years earlier he had an altercation with a robber and had been attacked. Mr. Fuyan did not know that the knife blade from the robber had broken off under his jaw and into his skull.
Buried pain can be similar to the knife. When we bring our pain to our higher power or God, we invite the surgeon to remove the proverbial knife.
Surgery and recovery are not typically pleasant experiences. They take time, skill, and following directions from the surgeon. As walking wounded, we have proverbial knives stabbed deep into our souls. Removing them typically takes time, patience and a great deal of compassion.
In this episode, I also talk about ways that grace is healing my family from the consequences of sex addiction and betrayal trauma.
Episode 11: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction
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Boundaries with my spouse who deals with sex addiction changed my life. Maybe they will change yours too?
While a few things in this episode are geared towards spouses who are married to someone that struggles with sex addiction, most of what we are discussing is applicable to other addictions as well. Whether your spouse is addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. you will likely find helpful information on boundaries in this episode.
This week, I share a snippet of what my life looked like before and after learning about boundaries.
When I’m employing boundaries, I don’t need to yell, shrink, threaten, or shame. I recognize my worth and I recognize the worth of others as well.
Groundwork for boundaries include:
A rock-solid personal understanding that God uses boundaries.
An understanding that we are to cleave to one another and our covenants in marriage, but that we do so individually.
Boundaries are best implemented when we have a strong community to support us.
The concept that my marriage might be saved by implementing boundaries was empowering. They became a primary source in a rescue mission. I was being rescued, my husband was offered a life preserver and if he chose recovery, our marriage might be rescued as well.
We’ll discuss what boundaries with sex addiction are and what they aren’t, and how they are ultimately about safety.
This episode includes the House analogy for boundaries.
I share my favorite insights about boundaries when your spouse struggles with sex addiction which include:
Why boundaries are best when made with God and my personal experience with this.
The power of personally tailoring boundaries to our loved ones, plus a personal example of when this was effective in my own life
The difference between firm boundaries vs. fluid boundaries. I share my own insights on this, along with my friend’s experiences.
We will also explore why it’s important to be gentle with ourselves as we learn and adjust our boundaries, and why it’s important to place a boundary around disconnect.
Detaching with love is also a topic in this episode, along with what to do when your spouse or loved one pushes back against boundaries.
