Episode 13: The POWER of SURRENDERING

Betrayal Trauma SOS

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The POWER of Surrendering outcomes when your loved one has a sex addiction.

Feeling weighed down? Do thoughts of your loved one’s addiction consume your thoughts? I relate. Let’s explore how to function from a place of peace in this week’s episode: The POWER of SURRENDERING.

NOTE: Next week I will be doing a Question and Answer episode. I welcome recovery and/ or personal questions regarding my own recovery by contacting me on Instagram, Facebook, or from the contact tab on the betrayaltraumasos.com website. I certainly don’t have all of the answers but can offer what I have learned as well as consult with others who are farther ahead in recovery. I do pledge confidentiality and anonymity.

I have definitely tried to control my husband’s addiction. For the first 17.5 years of our marriage, I thought I was being a great wife by almost never withholding sex, and oftentimes offering it more often. Imagine my shock as we sat in a formal disclosure with our therapist to learn that not only had I not controlled his addiction with sex, but I also made it worse. With eyes wide open that I was truly powerless, I was able to make better choices and set better boundaries. Episode 5 titled: You Can’t Fix Sex Addiction With Sex goes into more detail about that issue if you’d like to check that out.

The WHY

WHY do we try to control? That question carries with it heart-wrenching answers.

The why is important and too often we focus on the resulting behaviors without looking deeper. When we don’t look at the why, it is easy to start living in a breeding ground for shame. The why helps us to stay curious and to be gentle with ourselves as we strive to change our shape.

Motives for control might include financial repercussions, a desire for connection, the desire to not suffer heartbreaking consequences, to rescue our loved ones and more.

I truly thought that I was controlling the outcome of my husband’s addiction, but in all reality, it was not true. I had zero power and in the process of trying to control, I became miserable.

SURRENDER

Here’s a question for each of us to consider: What would life look like if we could let go of control and really live life again? What hobbies might we take up, what friendships might we cultivate, and what would our homes look like? It’s lovely to dream sometimes. It is possible to live the dream and to find power in surrendering.

From the book Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins, he says this, quote “the more you pull on the rope to hitch yourself up to where you want to be, the more frazzled it becomes. Possibly, you might be wondering, “Isn’t there an easier, better way?” Are you willing to let go of the rope?”

What’s the solution then? How can we live life more fully? What can we do to no longer live in fear? What can we do to let go of our frayed and frazzled ropes?

One tool that can be helpful in recovery is that of surrender.

Letting go of the rope looks different for everyone.

For me, surrender is more of a process and is a continual effort. I’m learning that when I can identify the roots of fear, I can identify what to work on surrendering the outcome.

The Process of Surrender

Doesn’t the thought of living in peace sound lovely? *sigh* I agree. To live in peace is a strong desire of mine, but how do we do that? How do we achieve that level of serenity? How do people actually surrender?

Oftentimes it’s easy to get lost in the big picture of our situations.

In this episode, we’ll discuss the song “The Next Right Thing,” from Frozen 2 as it relates focusing on the next step instead of the overwhelming big picture.

Along these lines, is the concept of Daily Bread.

When we choose to rely day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and sometimes even breath by breath on God, we surrender control to Him. Join me in discussing different ways that people surrender.

The Ultimate Surrender

For those who believe in Christian doctrine as I do, I cannot leave this subject without discussing the ultimate act of surrender and that to me is Jesus Christ. Again, take what you like and leave the rest. Jesus said, “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.” On a much smaller scale, I certainly relate with this feeling.

In my own small way, I too have not wanted to drink gall. Who wants to experience broken covenants that accompany broken hearts? Who wants to experience physiological changes in their brains that hijack their nervous systems and create unwanted responses? If we could avoid the gall presented to us, or pray that reality away, or heal instantly, certainly we would. After all, who wants to know the pain of betrayal or the subsequent trauma? The times when I have said, “Thy will be done,” and meant it, have been defining moments in my relationship with God.

Closing

Surrender for me has looked like walking out the door, when I was fairly certain that my husband would act out in his addiction and I would be subject to the consequences It has looked like not using sex to manipulate my husband’s mood or to gain a false sense of connection. At times when I don’t allow others to treat me like a welcome mat, I surrender the fear of becoming unneeded or unwanted. When I practice self care, I surrender that I have needs, and so on. Surrender for me is striving to be today as I become grateful for my reliance on daily bread instead of miraculous solutions. It is accepting with ample compassion that I am not and cannot be perfect at this time.

Let’s heal together. XOXO Jeni