Rhyll Anne Croshaw, with the SA Lifeline foundation, shares her insights about the surrender process.
Why do we need the surrender process? Rhyll says that the rewards of surrendering to God are peace. For those of us who struggle with betrayal trauma, peace is like water to our souls.
Rhyll shares her 3 step surrender process and adds some extra details that I find particularly helpful. The basics to the 3 steps of surrender are:
1- Knees.
2- Phone.
3- Box.
Surrendering to God is a key component of 12 step recovery work. Rhyll’s insights are helpful for newcomers and those more experienced in 12 step recovery work.
NOTES:
To attend a gender specific SA Lifeline 12 step meeting for betrayal trauma and/ or sex addiction, please visit https://salifeline.org/ .
Ashlynn Mitchell discusses how to be the buffalo on this week’s episode. Because Ashlynn has been open with her recent experiences of heartache and thriving, I wanted to learn more. I am grateful that Ashlynn generously shares her experiences regarding healing from her recent divorce. We discuss how to be the buffalo…
Physically
Emotionally
& Spiritually
I’ve implemented some things from Ashlynn’s interview that have helped in my own healing. I am hopeful that they will help in yours as well.
Ashlynn is a podcast host for This Is Ashlynn, The Betrayed the Addicted and the Expert, is a co-creator of the program Beyond Enough, runs betrayal trauma groups and is a health and fitness coach.
Working Through Strong Emotions is something that everyone has to deal with at times. For those of us who deal with betrayal trauma due to the sex addiction of a loved one we often times have an added struggle.
Emotions! When betrayal trauma hits, emotions can be all over the place.
“traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past us alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hid from their selves.” Besel Van Der Kolk
As we can see with soldiers, how we deal with emotions can easily and understandably swing too far one way or the other. It’s like a pendulum. We can go too far one way and too far another. The hope is that we can learn to be more centered.
Emotions aren’t bad or good, they just are.
From the website Thought Catalog, this quote is by Anna Gragert “When I started going to therapy, it was pointed out to me that I label my emotions as either “positive” or “negative.” In response to positive emotions, I push myself to stay on the train of happiness. As for negative emotions, I tend to push them away and feel as if I caused my own demise. Obviously, this is not healthy, but I feel that a lot of us tend to do this. We do not want to deal with painful emotions, which is why we throw ourselves into our work or paste a fake smile upon our faces.” (Thought Catalog post written by Anna Gragert)
Toxic Positivity
Have you ever had someone tell you, when you are in the middle of severe emotional distress, things in an effort to help that go something like this,
“You can choose happiness right now!”
“It’s alright, you just need to keep going.”
“You need to focus on positive things.”
“Just be positive.”
“You’re so lucky that _________ didn’t happen to you.”
And more. Might I suggest boundaries with those who have yet learned to “mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort.” That’s from Mosiah 18: 8- 10. (Take what you like and leave the rest.)
In case it’s validating for anyone, I’ll link a Hope Works Video: titled Mourn With Those That Mourn to see healthy ways of addressing someone going through hard things.
Another valuable resource might be Episode 4 of the Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast titled: Why Your Story Matters and How To Safely Share it.
Likewise though, we can also apply toxic positivity to ourselves. We might expect that we should be to a certain point in our healing, or we might think that we should not feel something in particular. It’s easy to undervalue the impact of our experience and/ or what we think the effects of betrayal trauma should be.
Can I suggest that we take out the “I should’s” and seek for acceptance of what is. This is brave to face.
Honoring Emotions
Emotions need to be honored. In this episode I discuss a personal story of how I had no tears after our formal disclosure and how honoring anger was key to my healing. (Listen for the full story.)
My 5 Basics For Handling STRONG Emotions are:
In regards to honoring emotions vs. indulging in emotions: Dr. Jonice Webb quote “Honoring an emotion involves sitting with it, accepting it and trying to understand it. For some emotions, going through the process of honoring it is enough to make it tolerable.”
Dr. Webb then goes on to talk about some people being stuck at this point and talks about moving towards action.
To hear more details, please listen to the entire episode. Let’s heal together. XO Jeni
The POWER of Surrendering outcomes when your loved one has a sex addiction.
Feeling weighed down? Do thoughts of your loved one’s addiction consume your thoughts? I relate. Let’s explore how to function from a place of peace in this week’s episode: The POWER of SURRENDERING.
NOTE: Next week I will be doing a Question and Answer episode. I welcome recovery and/ or personal questions regarding my own recovery by contacting me on Instagram, Facebook, or from the contact tab on the betrayaltraumasos.com website. I certainly don’t have all of the answers but can offer what I have learned as well as consult with others who are farther ahead in recovery. I do pledge confidentiality and anonymity.
I have definitely tried to control my husband’s addiction. For the first 17.5 years of our marriage, I thought I was being a great wife by almost never withholding sex, and oftentimes offering it more often. Imagine my shock as we sat in a formal disclosure with our therapist to learn that not only had I not controlled his addiction with sex, but I also made it worse. With eyes wide open that I was truly powerless, I was able to make better choices and set better boundaries. Episode 5 titled: You Can’t Fix Sex Addiction With Sex goes into more detail about that issue if you’d like to check that out.
The WHY
WHY do we try to control? That question carries with it heart-wrenching answers.
The why is important and too often we focus on the resulting behaviors without looking deeper. When we don’t look at the why, it is easy to start living in a breeding ground for shame. The why helps us to stay curious and to be gentle with ourselves as we strive to change our shape.
Motives for control might include financial repercussions, a desire for connection, the desire to not suffer heartbreaking consequences, to rescue our loved ones and more.
I truly thought that I was controlling the outcome of my husband’s addiction, but in all reality, it was not true. I had zero power and in the process of trying to control, I became miserable.
SURRENDER
Here’s a question for each of us to consider: What would life look like if we could let go of control and really live life again? What hobbies might we take up, what friendships might we cultivate, and what would our homes look like? It’s lovely to dream sometimes. It is possible to live the dream and to find power in surrendering.
From the book Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins, he says this, quote “the more you pull on the rope to hitch yourself up to where you want to be, the more frazzled it becomes. Possibly, you might be wondering, “Isn’t there an easier, better way?” Are you willing to let go of the rope?”
What’s the solution then? How can we live life more fully? What can we do to no longer live in fear? What can we do to let go of our frayed and frazzled ropes?
One tool that can be helpful in recovery is that of surrender.
Letting go of the rope looks different for everyone.
For me, surrender is more of a process and is a continual effort. I’m learning that when I can identify the roots of fear, I can identify what to work on surrendering the outcome.
The Process of Surrender
Doesn’t the thought of living in peace sound lovely? *sigh* I agree. To live in peace is a strong desire of mine, but how do we do that? How do we achieve that level of serenity? How do people actually surrender?
Oftentimes it’s easy to get lost in the big picture of our situations.
In this episode, we’ll discuss the song “The Next Right Thing,” from Frozen 2 as it relates focusing on the next step instead of the overwhelming big picture.
Along these lines, is the concept of Daily Bread.
When we choose to rely day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and sometimes even breath by breath on God, we surrender control to Him. Join me in discussing different ways that people surrender.
The Ultimate Surrender
For those who believe in Christian doctrine as I do, I cannot leave this subject without discussing the ultimate act of surrender and that to me is Jesus Christ. Again, take what you like and leave the rest. Jesus said, “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.” On a much smaller scale, I certainly relate with this feeling.
In my own small way, I too have not wanted to drink gall. Who wants to experience broken covenants that accompany broken hearts? Who wants to experience physiological changes in their brains that hijack their nervous systems and create unwanted responses? If we could avoid the gall presented to us, or pray that reality away, or heal instantly, certainly we would. After all, who wants to know the pain of betrayal or the subsequent trauma? The times when I have said, “Thy will be done,” and meant it, have been defining moments in my relationship with God.
Closing
Surrender for me has looked like walking out the door, when I was fairly certain that my husband would act out in his addiction and I would be subject to the consequences It has looked like not using sex to manipulate my husband’s mood or to gain a false sense of connection. At times when I don’t allow others to treat me like a welcome mat, I surrender the fear of becoming unneeded or unwanted. When I practice self care, I surrender that I have needs, and so on. Surrender for me is striving to be today as I become grateful for my reliance on daily bread instead of miraculous solutions. It is accepting with ample compassion that I am not and cannot be perfect at this time.
Facing denial to live in truth is critical for anyone, but especially those of us who have a loved one that struggles with addiction. Let’s learn why it’s an important element to address when healing from betrayal.
Denial. What is it and why do we need to be aware of it? This podcast episode uses a parable from Deiter F. Uchtdorf about blind men feeling and describing different parts of an elephant. One feels the trunk and says that it must be snake-like, while another feels a leg and thinks it’s more like a tree.
Denial is like that. It’s easy to have blinders on and only describe small parts of the big picture. We end up painting a false picture to ourselves and others.
We can’t fix what we can’t see. Shedding denial is a critical part of the healing process from betrayal trauma and other heartaches as well.
My goal has become to live in truth. However unappealing it may seem, living in truth helps me to have a clear picture so that I can make adjustments in my life.
For those of us who are suffering from trauma, living in truth is crucial because, as is talked about in The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, it is important for us to integrate what has happened to us.
You can’t fix sex addiction with sex. Trust me. I tried. Has the idea ever come to you that marriage might fix a sex addiction, or that having a baby will? I relate. Join me, Jeni Brockbank, as I guide you through my journey of coming to learn what addiction REALLY is. This gets interesting as we discuss the Rat Park study and so much more. I’ll take you through my process of coming to better understand sex addiction and that this understanding helps to find tools for healing from betrayal trauma.
We will end with a guided mediation at the end that incorporates divine worth, your eternal origin, and that you are enough. You are beyond enough.
You Are Enough. In fact, you are beyond enough.
A few links and/ or references from this episode include:
Episode 4: Why Your Story Matters & How To Safely Share It
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Have you tried sharing your story of betrayal trauma with someone? If you’re lucky, it went well, but if your experiences are similar to mine, then let’s talk. Not everyone understands betrayal trauma… including many therapists, so how do you choose who to share your story with?
The cool thing is, that sharing your story with the righ people can aid in healing. Trauma makes our memories fragmented, and figuring out the details puts things back in place.
Join me, Jeni Brockbank as I talk about some of my experiences regarding sharing details related to my husband’s sex addiction with others. I let you know how I have been unintentionally hurt, how to protect against further damage, and offer guidelines for finding safe ways to share.
Pornography addiction is real and there are so many people wounded in it’s wake. Let’s heal together.
Click here to follow Betrayal Trauma SOS on Facebook.
You can also find Betrayal Trauma SOS on Instagram.
I assume that you found this because of a great heart break. Because the one who promised faithfulness, maybe even for forever, has somehow breached that trust. Oh how I ache that you know such pain.
You see, I know it as well. While our stories likely have differences, they likely have similarities as well. We might not share the exact same details, but we’re now part of a club that we never, ever, in a million trillion years wanted to participate in. Life is different and reality was shattered.
So, here’s the thing, this hurts. Seriously hurts. Can someone die of a broken heart? I am going to be honest with you, I have wished for death at times.
Hope
And then… then I found this thing called “recovery.” I was shocked to learn that I had options and choices and the ability to change my situation. I was amazed to learn that experts have recently been studying this thing called “betrayal trauma.” I was relieved beyond anything I can describe to find that there was help available for me.
For me, I’m not completely healed yet. I still suffer from paralyzing trauma at times that really takes it out of me. Most people would never guess that I am often times really mess, but it’s true. So, I’m on a journey. A journey for wholeness that leads to deep inner peace. I’ve had blips of it; I’ve seen the beginnings.
Tools
So far my journey has included God, therapy, yoga, art, books, mindfulness, meditation, 12 steps, friendships, support groups and more. I have found so much joy and healing. I have found myself.
About that betrayal trauma though, it’s a booger. Seriously. Crippling at times. Even though things are improving in my marriage and family, trauma creeps in, hijacks my system, and leaves various forms of evidence of the devastation. I really hate it.
LET’S HEAL TOGETHER
You know that club we’re both in and don’t really want anyone to know about? Yeah. I haven’t wanted anyone to know either, but this betrayal trauma is kind of sort of REALLY crippling. What if we changed our shape a bit? What if we linked arms, found resources and dipped our toes in the water of what it’s like to heal. To really heal?
Have you experienced extreme or even numb emotions due to the betrayal of a spouse or partner? You might be experiencing betrayal trauma. Join host Jeni Brockbank as she discusses her own understanding, plus offers resources from professionals.
Jeni Brockbank- Host of Betrayal Trauma SOS
Do you suffer from fight, flight or freeze responses? Perhaps your mind re-vists traumatic events on a loop, or maybe you are experiencing physical reactions that accompany fear, such as a rapidly beating heart. Maybe you are struggling to eat, or on the flip side, are using food to numb the pain.
Nearly 70% of people who are disclosed to regarding sexual betrayal from their partners suffer from PTSD type symptoms. Betrayal trauma is a much more prevalent problem than was previously understood.
This episode discusses many such symptoms and offers a place to start healing.
Episode 1: Your Heart Can Beat Again After Betrayal
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Have you discovered an affair, or pornography use from a trusted loved one? Perhaps you experienced virtual or literal infidelity from a spouse or partner? Do you feel extreme emotions, like you are crazy, or even numb? You are normal and there is help.
Join host Jeni Brockbank on her journey of betrayal trauma and healing. Beat isolation while learning that your emotions are normal and there are so many tools to aid in healing. In this episode, Jeni shares a snapshot of her experiences regarding the sexual betrayal of her husband and subsequent healing. Jeni’s vulnerability allows listeners to know that they aren’t alone, they aren’t crazy, and there are many tools to help.
Betrayal Trauma SOS: Your heart can beat again after betrayal
Whether there was an affair or porn was discovered, the effects of infidelity can be crushing and can cause PTSD type symptoms that last long after the disclosure. Knowing this allows the partner to find much needed help and community. Resources to help the betrayed spouse are improving. and the Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast explores many different resources so that other can find their own recovery fit.
This episode also includes a meditation at the end, allowing others to feel validated in their heartache while encouraging healing. Healing from betrayal trauma is possible and, your heart can beat again after betrayal.
