Rhyll Anne Croshaw, with the SA Lifeline foundation, shares her insights about the surrender process.
Why do we need the surrender process? Rhyll says that the rewards of surrendering to God are peace. For those of us who struggle with betrayal trauma, peace is like water to our souls.
Rhyll shares her 3 step surrender process and adds some extra details that I find particularly helpful. The basics to the 3 steps of surrender are:
1- Knees.
2- Phone.
3- Box.
Surrendering to God is a key component of 12 step recovery work. Rhyll’s insights are helpful for newcomers and those more experienced in 12 step recovery work.
NOTES:
To attend a gender specific SA Lifeline 12 step meeting for betrayal trauma and/ or sex addiction, please visit https://salifeline.org/ .
Ashlynn Mitchell discusses how to be the buffalo on this week’s episode. Because Ashlynn has been open with her recent experiences of heartache and thriving, I wanted to learn more. I am grateful that Ashlynn generously shares her experiences regarding healing from her recent divorce. We discuss how to be the buffalo…
Physically
Emotionally
& Spiritually
I’ve implemented some things from Ashlynn’s interview that have helped in my own healing. I am hopeful that they will help in yours as well.
Ashlynn is a podcast host for This Is Ashlynn, The Betrayed the Addicted and the Expert, is a co-creator of the program Beyond Enough, runs betrayal trauma groups and is a health and fitness coach.
Working Through Strong Emotions is something that everyone has to deal with at times. For those of us who deal with betrayal trauma due to the sex addiction of a loved one we often times have an added struggle.
Emotions! When betrayal trauma hits, emotions can be all over the place.
“traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past us alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hid from their selves.” Besel Van Der Kolk
As we can see with soldiers, how we deal with emotions can easily and understandably swing too far one way or the other. It’s like a pendulum. We can go too far one way and too far another. The hope is that we can learn to be more centered.
Emotions aren’t bad or good, they just are.
From the website Thought Catalog, this quote is by Anna Gragert “When I started going to therapy, it was pointed out to me that I label my emotions as either “positive” or “negative.” In response to positive emotions, I push myself to stay on the train of happiness. As for negative emotions, I tend to push them away and feel as if I caused my own demise. Obviously, this is not healthy, but I feel that a lot of us tend to do this. We do not want to deal with painful emotions, which is why we throw ourselves into our work or paste a fake smile upon our faces.” (Thought Catalog post written by Anna Gragert)
Toxic Positivity
Have you ever had someone tell you, when you are in the middle of severe emotional distress, things in an effort to help that go something like this,
“You can choose happiness right now!”
“It’s alright, you just need to keep going.”
“You need to focus on positive things.”
“Just be positive.”
“You’re so lucky that _________ didn’t happen to you.”
And more. Might I suggest boundaries with those who have yet learned to “mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort.” That’s from Mosiah 18: 8- 10. (Take what you like and leave the rest.)
In case it’s validating for anyone, I’ll link a Hope Works Video: titled Mourn With Those That Mourn to see healthy ways of addressing someone going through hard things.
Another valuable resource might be Episode 4 of the Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast titled: Why Your Story Matters and How To Safely Share it.
Likewise though, we can also apply toxic positivity to ourselves. We might expect that we should be to a certain point in our healing, or we might think that we should not feel something in particular. It’s easy to undervalue the impact of our experience and/ or what we think the effects of betrayal trauma should be.
Can I suggest that we take out the “I should’s” and seek for acceptance of what is. This is brave to face.
Honoring Emotions
Emotions need to be honored. In this episode I discuss a personal story of how I had no tears after our formal disclosure and how honoring anger was key to my healing. (Listen for the full story.)
My 5 Basics For Handling STRONG Emotions are:
In regards to honoring emotions vs. indulging in emotions: Dr. Jonice Webb quote “Honoring an emotion involves sitting with it, accepting it and trying to understand it. For some emotions, going through the process of honoring it is enough to make it tolerable.”
Dr. Webb then goes on to talk about some people being stuck at this point and talks about moving towards action.
To hear more details, please listen to the entire episode. Let’s heal together. XO Jeni
Episode 9: How To Shine Your Light So That Others Can See
/
RSS Feed
Share
Link
Embed
Do you want to learn to communicate more effectively, and don’t know where to begin.
All who are seeking to learn communication skills will likely find things of worth in today’s episode. While this Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast episode is geared towards helping those who are struggling with betrayal trauma learn better ways to communicate, most things can be applied to many different scenarios.
Sometimes we have a message to convey that is very important to us, but it’s as if we hit a wall when we try to communicate it.
Have you ever felt highly elevated when faced with a hard conversation? I know that I sure have. Hard things are going on with our bodies, and this can happen to anyone.
The basis of this episode stems from a talk given by Bonnie H. Cordon in the April 2020 General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
She talked about a time when her family hosted an apostle named Elder L. Tom Perry when she was 10 years old. Late that night her mother asked if she had fed the chickens, and her cute response was that maybe the chickens should fast that night. She didn’t want to leave the company of the apostle. Of course that wasn’t acceptable, but Elder Perry had heard the exchange and offered to accompany her, along with his son to feed the chickens.
She ran ahead and after jumping over the irrigation ditch that she was use to encountering. Elder Perry hadn’t been able to follow her light. He stepped right into the irrigation ditch.
She says, “I was shining my light but not in a way that would help Elder Perry. Now, knowing that he needed my light to safely navigate the path, I focused the flashlight just ahead of his steps and we were able to return home with confidence.”
I am learning that I can do my best to show up to hard conversations and can navigate them better when I employ communication skills. I’m still a work in progress, and what I share today is from my own experiences and studies to improve my own communication skills.
These 8 communication tools are what I am personally working on. More detail is provided in the podcast. Let’s learn to communicate:
Understanding what we hope to accomplish with our conversation. When we are crystal clear with what we are hoping to accomplish, we can better stay on track in our conversations.
Organizing thoughts goes a long way. When I take the time to organize my thinking before holding conversations, they tend to go much better.
Knowing I am of worth and that the other person is also of worth. It is not humility to be less or more than what we were created to be. It’s important to know that in God’s eyes we are on equal ground. No matter our station, we are all important. Internalizing this concept helps us to value not just our own thoughts, but those of others as well.
Learning to be aware of our emotional state and use tools to stay grounded. Whether we are highly elevated due to stress or trauma, becoming grounded can be a wonderful tool for being able to gain emotional stability and be able to re-engage in conversation from a more neutral place.
Consider your emotional safety and the emotional safety of those you are communicating with.
Consider that their response is about them. Of course, this takes practice and is easier said than done. It’s ok to be a work in progress.
Consider boundaries in conversations. I’m planning a boundaries episode soon, so stay tuned for that.
8. Taking drama out of communication. The goal is to stay out of drama as best as possible. This is likely a lifelong pursuit and the more I dig, the more evidence I find regarding my role in drama. It’s often very subtle and difficult to see. The better I get at not engaging in drama, the healthier my relationships become.
This week’s meditation will be on the Betrayal Trauma SOS Youtube page later this week. I want to give a shout out to my friends who helped me make this week’s meditation regarding letting our light shine, something that I love. Special thanks to Arianna Rees, who is a therapist trained life coach and is the host of the With Real Intent Podcast, and Katy Willis, who has many qualifications in regards to meditation and yoga plus a multitude of other things, a genuine thank you.
As I better learn to communicate,I have found many blessing. I would love to hear if any part of this week’s Betrayal Trauma SOS episode has been beneficial in your life.
Episode 8: Intuition- You Were Right and You Knew It
/
RSS Feed
Share
Link
Embed
Intuition. You know that time that you knew that something was off? You were right and your body knew it.
*This episode is appropriate for anyone with a loved one who struggles with addiction. This includes alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling addiction and more.
Let’s explore together about what intuition is and how to cultivate it.
When I first began recovery from sexual betrayal, I would only make boundaries based on what I could prove. I have a dear recovery friend who taught me that betrayal trauma recovery becomes richer when we can make boundaries based on our gut instinct, or intuition. She was right and learning to do that drastically changed my life.
The trick is that when addiction, sex addiction, porn addiction, etc is involved, we likely don’t have all of the facts. That’s where intuition comes in.
While boundaries help protect us, when we are better in tune with our gut, we can make better boundaries. In fact, we can get to the point where we make boundaries that aren’t based on what we see or hear for the most part. We can make them based on gut instinct.
In this podcast, we will discuss 5 principles to strengthen gut intuition.
How Faith Is Helpful With Intuition
Learning To Be Still
Checkout It Out With Prayer
Learning To Hear What Your Body Says
Gaining knowledge
Next week we are talking about finding your voice and how to use it so that it is heard. I hope you’ll join me. If this episode has been helpful for you, then I hope you will consider subscribing, leaving 5 stars or consider sharing it with someone who might benefit. Betrayal trauma sos can be found on facebook, instagram and at betrayal trauma sos.com. Let’s heal together.
Episode 4: Why Your Story Matters & How To Safely Share It
/
RSS Feed
Share
Link
Embed
Have you tried sharing your story of betrayal trauma with someone? If you’re lucky, it went well, but if your experiences are similar to mine, then let’s talk. Not everyone understands betrayal trauma… including many therapists, so how do you choose who to share your story with?
The cool thing is, that sharing your story with the righ people can aid in healing. Trauma makes our memories fragmented, and figuring out the details puts things back in place.
Join me, Jeni Brockbank as I talk about some of my experiences regarding sharing details related to my husband’s sex addiction with others. I let you know how I have been unintentionally hurt, how to protect against further damage, and offer guidelines for finding safe ways to share.
Pornography addiction is real and there are so many people wounded in it’s wake. Let’s heal together.
Click here to follow Betrayal Trauma SOS on Facebook.
You can also find Betrayal Trauma SOS on Instagram.
Are you curious if a Betrayal Trauma First Aid Kit might benefit you? First Aid Kits can help in times of emotional distress. Join host Jeni Brockbank as she shares her experiences with first aid kits. Jeni shares what is in her first aid kit and also gives tips to creating your own betrayal trauma first aid kit.
Special thanks to some beautiful and anonymous women who helped create this episode. Their input is invaluable and will most definitely help others in trauma.
To most effectively use a first aid kit, it’s best to be in tune with your body. Jeni’s soothing voice walks you through a body scan meditation, guiding listeners to better meet their own needs. This body scan meditation starts at your toes and moves to your head.
Enter to win your first aid kit here. The Betrayal Trauma First Aid Kit that will be gifted includes:
-gold polka dotted tote -super soft blanket -Symphony Bar -lovely smelling candle -lovely rose quartz rock
To enter, one must reside in The United States or Canada due to shipping costs.
If you just want the body scan meditation, visit it here on the Betrayal Trauma SOS Youtube page.
I assume that you found this because of a great heart break. Because the one who promised faithfulness, maybe even for forever, has somehow breached that trust. Oh how I ache that you know such pain.
You see, I know it as well. While our stories likely have differences, they likely have similarities as well. We might not share the exact same details, but we’re now part of a club that we never, ever, in a million trillion years wanted to participate in. Life is different and reality was shattered.
So, here’s the thing, this hurts. Seriously hurts. Can someone die of a broken heart? I am going to be honest with you, I have wished for death at times.
Hope
And then… then I found this thing called “recovery.” I was shocked to learn that I had options and choices and the ability to change my situation. I was amazed to learn that experts have recently been studying this thing called “betrayal trauma.” I was relieved beyond anything I can describe to find that there was help available for me.
For me, I’m not completely healed yet. I still suffer from paralyzing trauma at times that really takes it out of me. Most people would never guess that I am often times really mess, but it’s true. So, I’m on a journey. A journey for wholeness that leads to deep inner peace. I’ve had blips of it; I’ve seen the beginnings.
Tools
So far my journey has included God, therapy, yoga, art, books, mindfulness, meditation, 12 steps, friendships, support groups and more. I have found so much joy and healing. I have found myself.
About that betrayal trauma though, it’s a booger. Seriously. Crippling at times. Even though things are improving in my marriage and family, trauma creeps in, hijacks my system, and leaves various forms of evidence of the devastation. I really hate it.
LET’S HEAL TOGETHER
You know that club we’re both in and don’t really want anyone to know about? Yeah. I haven’t wanted anyone to know either, but this betrayal trauma is kind of sort of REALLY crippling. What if we changed our shape a bit? What if we linked arms, found resources and dipped our toes in the water of what it’s like to heal. To really heal?
Have you experienced extreme or even numb emotions due to the betrayal of a spouse or partner? You might be experiencing betrayal trauma. Join host Jeni Brockbank as she discusses her own understanding, plus offers resources from professionals.
Jeni Brockbank- Host of Betrayal Trauma SOS
Do you suffer from fight, flight or freeze responses? Perhaps your mind re-vists traumatic events on a loop, or maybe you are experiencing physical reactions that accompany fear, such as a rapidly beating heart. Maybe you are struggling to eat, or on the flip side, are using food to numb the pain.
Nearly 70% of people who are disclosed to regarding sexual betrayal from their partners suffer from PTSD type symptoms. Betrayal trauma is a much more prevalent problem than was previously understood.
This episode discusses many such symptoms and offers a place to start healing.
