Episode 12: Grace To Heal From A Loved One’s Sex Addiction

Grace To Heal From a Spouse's sex addiction

Betrayal Trauma SOS

Episode 12: Grace To Heal From A Loved One's Sex Addiction

00:00 / 00:40:34

Grace is my favorite tool for healing from… anything but especially betrayal trauma. The key element in my recovery from betrayal trauma that stems from my husband’s sex addiction has certainly been grace and I’m happy to discuss that in this betrayal trauma podcast episode.

Women’s Stories of GRACE In Healing From Betrayal Trauma

I am honored to welcome 9 women who share their personal experiences with grace as they heal from betrayal trauma. Their experiences have strengthened me and I look forward to sharing their beautiful stories of Grace in this episode

Religions That Teach About Grace

Grace, is a fundamental concept of Christianity, however, the more I looked into the concept of grace, the more I realized that it is found in many religions and not just Christianity. For instance, did you know that the Hebrew word that is similar to grace is chen? I found that grace was also found in Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism and more.

Something in me seems to melt when I hear or think about grace. When reading the scriptures, and in particular, the New Testament, I highlight the word grace anytime I see it. My New Testament is littered with that beautiful word and I have wondered how it applies to me. Lately, I have contemplated how it applies to healing from betrayal trauma. As I’ve actively looked for the role of grace in my recovery from betrayal trauma, I have seen it everywhere. How stunning and wonderful to realize that grace was at the center of every tool and every healing principle.

Grace For the Brokenhearted

Grace certainly has the ability to cleanse from sin, but today, I am addressing the heartbroken. I know because I walk among you as one of your own. Today, in regards to grace I will primarily focus on the enabling power of grace as it has healing properties.

I love this definition of grace from Sheri Dew’s book Amazed by Grace as she says, quote “What is Grace? Grace is divine, enabling power.

Author and Pastor Max Lucado has a video about Grace and a book as well wherein he tells a story about a man named Li Fuyan. Mr. Fuyan had suffered from terrible headaches for 4 years. Nothing had gotten rid of his headaches. Nothing. Finally, the doctors took an x-ray and discovered that a rusty four inch knife blade was in his skull. Years earlier he had an altercation with a robber and had been attacked. Mr. Fuyan did not know that the knife blade from the robber had broken off under his jaw and into his skull.

Buried pain can be similar to the knife. When we bring our pain to our higher power or God, we invite the surgeon to remove the proverbial knife.

Surgery and recovery are not typically pleasant experiences. They take time, skill, and following directions from the surgeon. As walking wounded, we have proverbial knives stabbed deep into our souls. Removing them typically takes time, patience and a great deal of compassion.

In this episode, I also talk about ways that grace is healing my family from the consequences of sex addiction and betrayal trauma.

SOURCES:

Betrayal Trauma SOS Boundaries Video

Amazing But Divergent Concepts of Grace

Divine Grace- Wikipedia

Amazed by Grace by Sheri Dew (affiliate link)

Luke 4:18 and Isaiah 61:1

Max Lucado- Video on grace

Grace: More Than We Deserve, Greater Than We Imagine by Max Lucado (affiliate link)

Episode 10: Facing Denial to Live in Truth

Episode 11: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction

Pure Desires Ministries

Conquer Series DVD Set Volume 1

Conquer Series DVD Set Volume 2

KATY WILLIS

KAREN RELLOS: Betrayal Trauma Coach (APSATS Certified)

Episode 11: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction

Betrayal Trauma SOS

Episode 11: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction

00:00 / 00:25:53

Boundaries with my spouse who deals with sex addiction changed my life. Maybe they will change yours too?

While a few things in this episode are geared towards spouses who are married to someone that struggles with sex addiction, most of what we are discussing is applicable to other addictions as well. Whether your spouse is addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. you will likely find helpful information on boundaries in this episode.

This week, I share a snippet of what my life looked like before and after learning about boundaries.

When I’m employing boundaries, I don’t need to yell, shrink, threaten, or shame. I recognize my worth and I recognize the worth of others as well.

Groundwork for boundaries include:

A rock-solid personal understanding that God uses boundaries.
An understanding that we are to cleave to one another and our covenants in marriage, but that we do so individually.
Boundaries are best implemented when we have a strong community to support us.
The concept that my marriage might be saved by implementing boundaries was empowering. They became a primary source in a rescue mission. I was being rescued, my husband was offered a life preserver and if he chose recovery, our marriage might be rescued as well.

We’ll discuss what boundaries with sex addiction are and what they aren’t, and how they are ultimately about safety.

This episode includes the House analogy for boundaries.

I share my favorite insights about boundaries when your spouse struggles with sex addiction which include:

Why boundaries are best when made with God and my personal experience with this.
The power of personally tailoring boundaries to our loved ones, plus a personal example of when this was effective in my own life
The difference between firm boundaries vs. fluid boundaries. I share my own insights on this, along with my friend’s experiences.
We will also explore why it’s important to be gentle with ourselves as we learn and adjust our boundaries, and why it’s important to place a boundary around disconnect.
Detaching with love is also a topic in this episode, along with what to do when your spouse or loved one pushes back against boundaries.

Betrayal Trauma SOS. Let’s heal together.

SOURCES:

What Can I Do About Me by Rhyll Ann Croshaw (Affiliate link)

Episode 7: I Am Sacred

Addiction Recovery Program- Step 8: Be Firm and Steadfast

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend (Affiliate link)

Beyond Breath by Sariah Bastian (Affiliate link)

Prana Yoga

Episode 8 of Betrayal Trauma SOS: Intuition- You Were Right and You Knew It

Ep. 8-Rhyll’s Story from the Rise Up Restored Podcast

Al-Anon- Detachment Document

Episode 10: Facing Denial To Live In Truth

How To Face Denial So That You Can Live In Truth

Betrayal Trauma SOS

Episode 10: Facing Denial To Live In Truth

00:00 / 00:16:23

Facing denial to live in truth is critical for anyone, but especially those of us who have a loved one that struggles with addiction. Let’s learn why it’s an important element to address when healing from betrayal.

Denial. What is it and why do we need to be aware of it? This podcast episode uses a parable from Deiter F. Uchtdorf about blind men feeling and describing different parts of an elephant. One feels the trunk and says that it must be snake-like, while another feels a leg and thinks it’s more like a tree.

Denial is like that. It’s easy to have blinders on and only describe small parts of the big picture. We end up painting a false picture to ourselves and others.

We can’t fix what we can’t see. Shedding denial is a critical part of the healing process from betrayal trauma and other heartaches as well.

My goal has become to live in truth. However unappealing it may seem, living in truth helps me to have a clear picture so that I can make adjustments in my life.

For those of us who are suffering from trauma, living in truth is crucial because, as is talked about in The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, it is important for us to integrate what has happened to us.

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk (affiliate link)

Intimate Deception Dr. Sheri Keffer (affiliate link)

It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way (affiliate link)

What Is Truth (CES Devotional From 2013) Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Episode 9: How To Shine Your Light So That Others Can See

Betrayal Trauma SOS

Episode 9: How To Shine Your Light So That Others Can See

00:00 / 00:26:46

Do you want to learn to communicate more effectively, and don’t know where to begin.

All who are seeking to learn communication skills will likely find things of worth in today’s episode. While this Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast episode is geared towards helping those who are struggling with betrayal trauma learn better ways to communicate, most things can be applied to many different scenarios.

Sometimes we have a message to convey that is very important to us, but it’s as if we hit a wall when we try to communicate it.

Have you ever felt highly elevated when faced with a hard conversation? I know that I sure have. Hard things are going on with our bodies, and this can happen to anyone.

The basis of this episode stems from a talk given by Bonnie H. Cordon in the April 2020 General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

She talked about a time when her family hosted an apostle named Elder L. Tom Perry when she was 10 years old. Late that night her mother asked if she had fed the chickens, and her cute response was that maybe the chickens should fast that night. She didn’t want to leave the company of the apostle. Of course that wasn’t acceptable, but Elder Perry had heard the exchange and offered to accompany her, along with his son to feed the chickens.

She ran ahead and after jumping over the irrigation ditch that she was use to encountering. Elder Perry hadn’t been able to follow her light. He stepped right into the irrigation ditch.

She says, “I was shining my light but not in a way that would help Elder Perry. Now, knowing that he needed my light to safely navigate the path, I focused the flashlight just ahead of his steps and we were able to return home with confidence.”

I am learning that I can do my best to show up to hard conversations and can navigate them better when I employ communication skills. I’m still a work in progress, and what I share today is from my own experiences and studies to improve my own communication skills.

These 8 communication tools are what I am personally working on. More detail is provided in the podcast. Let’s learn to communicate:

Understanding what we hope to accomplish with our conversation. When we are crystal clear with what we are hoping to accomplish, we can better stay on track in our conversations.

Organizing thoughts goes a long way. When I take the time to organize my thinking before holding conversations, they tend to go much better.

Knowing I am of worth and that the other person is also of worth. It is not humility to be less or more than what we were created to be. It’s important to know that in God’s eyes we are on equal ground. No matter our station, we are all important. Internalizing this concept helps us to value not just our own thoughts, but those of others as well.

Learning to be aware of our emotional state and use tools to stay grounded. Whether we are highly elevated due to stress or trauma, becoming grounded can be a wonderful tool for being able to gain emotional stability and be able to re-engage in conversation from a more neutral place.

Consider your emotional safety and the emotional safety of those you are communicating with.

Consider that their response is about them. Of course, this takes practice and is easier said than done. It’s ok to be a work in progress.

Consider boundaries in conversations. I’m planning a boundaries episode soon, so stay tuned for that.

8. Taking drama out of communication. The goal is to stay out of drama as best as possible. This is likely a lifelong pursuit and the more I dig, the more evidence I find regarding my role in drama. It’s often very subtle and difficult to see. The better I get at not engaging in drama, the healthier my relationships become.

This week’s meditation will be on the Betrayal Trauma SOS Youtube page later this week. I want to give a shout out to my friends who helped me make this week’s meditation regarding letting our light shine, something that I love. Special thanks to Arianna Rees, who is a therapist trained life coach and is the host of the With Real Intent Podcast, and Katy Willis, who has many qualifications in regards to meditation and yoga plus a multitude of other things, a genuine thank you.

As I better learn to communicate,I have found many blessing. I would love to hear if any part of this week’s Betrayal Trauma SOS episode has been beneficial in your life.

XOXO Jeni

SOURCES:

Betrayal Trauma SOS Episode 2: Betrayal Trauma. What is it?

Betraya Trauma SOS Episode 3: First Aid Kit + a Body Scan

Betrayal Trauma SOS Episode 8: Intuition- You Were Right and You Knew It

Bonnie H. Cardon- That They May See

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk (Affiliate Link)

Brene Brown mantra

Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, Mcmillan and Switzler (Affiliate Link)

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communications Guide) by Marshall B. Rosenberg (Affiliate Link)

Episode 8: Intuition- You Were Right and You Knew It

Betrayal Trauma SOS

Episode 8: Intuition- You Were Right and You Knew It

00:00 / 00:19:43

Intuition. You know that time that you knew that something was off? You were right and your body knew it.

*This episode is appropriate for anyone with a loved one who struggles with addiction. This includes alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling addiction and more.

Let’s explore together about what intuition is and how to cultivate it.

When I first began recovery from sexual betrayal, I would only make boundaries based on what I could prove. I have a dear recovery friend who taught me that betrayal trauma recovery becomes richer when we can make boundaries based on our gut instinct, or intuition. She was right and learning to do that drastically changed my life.

The trick is that when addiction, sex addiction, porn addiction, etc is involved, we likely don’t have all of the facts. That’s where intuition comes in.

While boundaries help protect us, when we are better in tune with our gut, we can make better boundaries. In fact, we can get to the point where we make boundaries that aren’t based on what we see or hear for the most part. We can make them based on gut instinct.

In this podcast, we will discuss 5 principles to strengthen gut intuition.

How Faith Is Helpful With Intuition
Learning To Be Still
Checkout It Out With Prayer
Learning To Hear What Your Body Says
Gaining knowledge

Next week we are talking about finding your voice and how to use it so that it is heard. I hope you’ll join me. If this episode has been helpful for you, then I hope you will consider subscribing, leaving 5 stars or consider sharing it with someone who might benefit. Betrayal trauma sos can be found on facebook, instagram and at betrayal trauma sos.com. Let’s heal together.

Sources:

Photready_Pineapple on Instagram

Treating Trauma From Sexual Betrayal Dr. Kevin Skinner (Affiliate Link)

Gifts of Imperfection Brene Brown (Affiliate Link)

Ether 12:6

Richard G. Scott “To Acquire Spiritual Guidance”

David A. Bednar “Seek Learning By Faith”

Docitrine and Covenant 8:2

Lifestar Network (not sponsored)

Untamed Glennon Doyle (Affiliate Link)

Episode 7: I Am Sacred

Betrayal Trauma SOS

Episode 7: I Am Sacred

00:00 / 00:21:41

I am sacred and so are you. Do you know how to discover your self worth for yourself? Sometimes that process can be elusive, but this episode walks you through various ways to experiment and to learn that you are sacred.

Host Jeni Brockbank walks you through various concepts and offers her own journey to learning her divine worth. Once you learn that you are sacred, you know that others are sacred as well.

While the Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast is typically geared towards those struggling with betrayal trauma, this self care podcast can be applied universally. All walks of life are welcome.

Learn how to cultivate your own self worth with exercises and concepts that include:

Not apologizing for your existence and learning that you have a right to be here. An example of apologizing for our existence might include saying something such as, “I am sorry that I am crying.” This episode includes a warm and welcoming alternative to such statements.
A body image exercise that helps us to love ourselves no matter what our body looks like. To gain self love.
Gaining self worth through the joy of creativity. It’s easy to lose ourselves in the process of trying to save others, so let’s explore how ingniting our creative spark can bring joy.
Meeting needs. So often, women in general and some men as well give and give and give so much that we forget that we, too, are worthy of time and effort.
Your body is a temple. When we can see ourselves as sacred it is easier to love ourselves in whatever state we are in and it’s also easier to take better care of our selves as well. 1 Corinthians 3:16 says in part, “the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are.”
Prayer- “My favorite way to learn my worth is on my knees with my Heavenly Father. I do feel His love and assurance when I ask Him how He feels about me. The more honest and vulnerable I am with my Heavenly Father about anything, but particularly regarding feelings of worth, the more tender He is towards me. I can feel it.”

Sources:

Affiliate Link:

Affiliate Link

https://3keyelements.com/kim-duncan/

Matthew 22: 37-39

Affiliate Link:

Jeffrey R. Holland “To Young Women”

Dieter F. Uchtdorf “Happiness Your Heritage”

Episode 2 of Betrayal Trauma SOS: Betrayal Trauma. What is it?

OR Episode 2 can also be accessed here

Enter to win a Betrayal Trauma SOS First Aid Kit On Facebook Here

Betrayal Trauma SOS on Facebook

Betrayal Trauma SOS on Instagram

Episode 6: How Church Leadership Can Help Those In Betrayal Trauma

Betrayal Trauma SOS

Episode 6: How Church Leadership Can Help Those In Betrayal Trauma

00:00 / 00:24:46

Have you ever wondered how church leadership can help those in betrayal trauma? I’ve got some tips that will transform how clergy can help someone through the painful process after betrayal. Join me, host Jeni Brockbank as I give many sources along with my own experiences.

Ecclesiastical leaders are often first responders to people in trauma and have the opportunity to offer guidance so that people can find true and lasting healing.

All denominations are welcome and while I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I have chosen information that I believe applies to most religions. So, whether you are a bishop, a priest, a rabi, a relief society president, a church service missionary or just a curious observer, you are welcome here.

I have a strong belief that gaining education regarding betrayal trauma will increase the capacity to guide wounded patrons to the one true source of healing: God.

If you wonder how church leadership can help those in betrayal trauma, then this podcast episode is for you.

If you like research, then you are in luck because this episode is heavily sourced.

Sources:

Episode 2: Betrayal Trauma- What Is It?

Episode 5: You Can’t Fix Sex Addiction With Sex

Katy Willis A Betrayal Trauma Resource for Bishops (or other ecclesiastical leaders)

http://utahvalleyaddictionrecovery.com/for-religious-leaders/a-letter-to-my-church-leader/

Dr. Adam Moore A Letter To My Church Leader

Keeping the Temple Holy by Gordon B. Hinckley

The Body Keeps the Score by Besel van der Kolk

Unwanted by Jay Stringer

Dallin H. Oaks talk, “Pornography”

Helping Couples Heal Podcast “Understanding Betrayal with Dr. Omar Minwalla Part Two

Leading Saints Summit- Kirk Francom interview with Katy Willis transcript

LDS Family Services, “Family Services provides short-term professional counseling for individuals, couples, and families.”

Lifestar

Addo Recovery https://w

Hank R. Smith Quote about boundaries

Malachi 4:2

Jacob 2: 35

Excerpt from 13th article of faith

Episode 5: You Can’t Fix Sex Addiction With Sex

Betrayal Trauma SOS

Episode 5: You Can't Fix Sex Addiction With Sex

00:00 / 00:20:30

You can’t fix sex addiction with sex. Trust me. I tried. Has the idea ever come to you that marriage might fix a sex addiction, or that having a baby will? I relate. Join me, Jeni Brockbank, as I guide you through my journey of coming to learn what addiction REALLY is. This gets interesting as we discuss the Rat Park study and so much more. I’ll take you through my process of coming to better understand sex addiction and that this understanding helps to find tools for healing from betrayal trauma.

We will end with a guided mediation at the end that incorporates divine worth, your eternal origin, and that you are enough. You are beyond enough.

Your Value Is Stable — You Are Enough. In fact, you are beyond enough.

A few links and/ or references from this episode include:

Meditation: You Are Enough- You Are Beyond Enough

Enter To Win a Betrayal Trauma SOS First Aid Kit On Facebook (Winner chosen May 19, 2020)

Everything You Think You Know About Addiction Is Wrong Johann Hari

Your Brain On Porn

Unwanted by Jay Stringer

You Matter To Him by Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Episode 4: Why Your Story Matters & How To Safely Share It

Betrayal Trauma SOS

Episode 4: Why Your Story Matters & How To Safely Share It

00:00 / 00:26:08

Have you tried sharing your story of betrayal trauma with someone? If you’re lucky, it went well, but if your experiences are similar to mine, then let’s talk. Not everyone understands betrayal trauma… including many therapists, so how do you choose who to share your story with?

The cool thing is, that sharing your story with the righ people can aid in healing. Trauma makes our memories fragmented, and figuring out the details puts things back in place.

Join me, Jeni Brockbank as I talk about some of my experiences regarding sharing details related to my husband’s sex addiction with others. I let you know how I have been unintentionally hurt, how to protect against further damage, and offer guidelines for finding safe ways to share.

Pornography addiction is real and there are so many people wounded in it’s wake. Let’s heal together.

Click here to follow Betrayal Trauma SOS on Facebook.

You can also find Betrayal Trauma SOS on Instagram.

Episode 3: First Aid Kit + a Body Scan

Betrayal Trauma SOS

Episode 3: First Aid Kit + a Body Scan

00:00 / 00:22:21

Are you curious if a Betrayal Trauma First Aid Kit might benefit you? First Aid Kits can help in times of emotional distress. Join host Jeni Brockbank as she shares her experiences with first aid kits. Jeni shares what is in her first aid kit and also gives tips to creating your own betrayal trauma first aid kit.

Special thanks to some beautiful and anonymous women who helped create this episode. Their input is invaluable and will most definitely help others in trauma.

To most effectively use a first aid kit, it’s best to be in tune with your body. Jeni’s soothing voice walks you through a body scan meditation, guiding listeners to better meet their own needs. This body scan meditation starts at your toes and moves to your head.

Enter to win your first aid kit here. The Betrayal Trauma First Aid Kit that will be gifted includes:

-gold polka dotted tote
-super soft blanket
-Symphony Bar
-lovely smelling candle
-lovely rose quartz rock

To enter, one must reside in The United States or Canada due to shipping costs.

If you just want the body scan meditation, visit it here on the Betrayal Trauma SOS Youtube page.

Betrayal Trauma SOS: Let’s heal together.